My hormones must be playing games with my emotions

33 weeks and still counting. Not sure what to think of anything anymore. I really am enjoying being pregnant aside from the center of my body feeling stretched beyond all belief. As of the most recent appointment with Dr. Lewis, not much is new. "Not much cervix left there, but you still have enough". He seems less concerned each time I see him which has now become a weekly occurance, along with my sonograms, that I am overly concerned whether or not Tricare will cover. I am not sure quite how to take the things he says now. He seems less concerned the further along I get because if the baby were born now he'd be in pretty good shape development wise. He even mentioned during Monday's recheck the possibility of me returning to work "halftime" if I wanted to. However, he remains concerned enough for weekly visits and yet another check Friday morning to clear me for a trip to GA to see my in-laws. Do I really want to return to work now at this stage of the game? Financially it may be in our best interest, but selfishly I feel I don't. I have now become accustomed to the thought of this being the time for bonding between my baby and me God felt I needed and also much needed relaxation time that I don't normally allow myself while working a full time schedule. The obvious answer is well just stay home then to any other person including Shane. Nothing is ever that cut and dry in my mind.
We started childbirth classes Monday after the visit with Dr. Lewis. We started learning about the grueling process called "labor and delivery". I enjoyed it for the most part despite the quirky "oh give me a break" looks shot in my direction by my loving hubby. For me it was a crash course refresher of Maternity 101 complete with clinical component from oh so long ago when I was in nursing school. I can't say that it was the first or last time I've learned about the three stages of labor. The first thing the instructor made us do was turn and introduce ourselves to and get to know about another couple in the class for the purpose of introducing that couple to the class while they in turn did the same for us. The couple we met was very friendly, expecting a boy as well, due date the day before me. The first thing she said to me had to do with being scared about labor and delivery. And you know what, I just don't feel all that scared about it. I sit here and I wonder if it just won't hit me for a few more weeks or if its normal for some people to just not feel scared. Or am I just so consumed with worries, fears, anxieties related to everything else that it is overshadowing those fears of something that just seems so inevitable to me. I mean there's no turning back now, there has been only one way out since oh..say.. October 5th or so, right? The old addage "you play, you pay" comes to mind. But yet like I started to say before, as much as I am enjoying my pregnancy and all the good and bad feelings that come with it, I somewhat find myself waiting in earger anticipation for the big day as well. I selfishly don't want the feelings of my little man moving around inside me or the one on one time he and I have all the time or the feeling that while he's living inside me I have the ability to control and protect him from as many things as I am aware of to end. Yet I also feel I need the reassurance of seeing him and holding him to know he's healthy as can be and he has 10 fingers and 10 toes and no Downs syndrome, no infections, etc. and to see who he looks like and what kind of personality he will have and despite confirmation on 4 separate sonograms dating back to my 11th week, also 100% confirmation that he is in fact a boy. These things and more seem to preoccupy my thoughts more than the thought of the discomfort I will soon endure to bring him into this world.
Shane took the service wide exam in attempt to advance to Chief Petty Officer yesterday. He feels confident about his performance on the exam. But as with anything in the Coast Guard/military its all a waiting game from here. A month or so before we find out an exam score, then a few more weeks after to find out, in order of scores, a placement number on a list of the men and women who took the damn thing, and then yet another month or two before we find out the final verdict on whether or not that placement number is high enough on the list to make Chief. Goodness sake. Like I said to Shane, at least we have something else to look foward to and preoccupy our minds this year. Then, he's also got his eyes on a position in Chesapeake VA. It sounds promising that if he were to put in for it at his current rank or as Cheif he'd be given it. Sure, it sounds ideal, exactly in the middle of both of our hometowns, appx 10 hrs from each, and a short 3 hrs from one of my good friends, Lenette, however he's been told we could be looking at 8 years there. A big jump from 3 years-if we don't like it there we don't have to be there that long-its only 3 yrs. I know nothing about VA and neither does he, yet he remains more optimistic and enthusiastic about it right now than I do. I feel bad because this job is a great opportunity for him and his career, its the ideal position for him, doing something he enjoys and is good at. I guess I'll have to do more research on it.
One last thing on my mind is two of my closest friends, Lydia and Kristen, have ended their travel nurse contracts here in FL with no hopes of re-signing due to the lack of demand for travel nurses in FL. Lydia left 10 days ago for Chicago, her home base, for a temporary assignment. And Kristen too is leaving for MA, for a temporary assignment closer to her home base. Kristen has been here for over a year and crazy as she has driven me in that time, I am going to miss having her here. It just feels like a huge blow knowing they were both here through pretty much my whole pregnancy and a little before yet they are going to miss the most important part of it. I am back to having Shane, my best friend and my family only. Not that thats a consolation prize by any means, he is a wonderful husband and support system to me, I couldn't ask for anyone better. But I think a girl just needs her best girlfriends or at least her mother to be within arm's reach just as much sometimes too.